What am I doing?

On June 5th I sat in the recovery room at our local hospital after giving birth to mine and my husband's fourth child (including my step son). Christopher (5), Aurora (4), Abigail (13 months) and Hannah, our newborn. As I thought about this I realized something frightening. I have no clue what I'm doing as a parent. I am 24 with four children! Five years ago I was living life for myself alone, selfish and carefree as most teens have a tendency to be. Four years ago I was a single mom, but still selfish. Three years ago I was married with a daughter and step son and getting a handle on what life is really like. I was in college, making excellent grades, and had high ambitions. Two and a half years ago I gave my life to Jesus (finally!) and started to realize that life wasn't about me. What a wake-up call that turned out to be! August 2011 I became pregnant with our third child. I was still in school and was determined to have a successful career and make lots of money (I hadn't quite learned the true meaning of life). When our third daughter was 4 1/2 months old my husband and I discovered I was pregnant yet again. At this point I should mention that my husband was preparing to get a vasectomy. We thought we were done having children. Realizing I was pregnant yet again made me sit back and reevaluate my life. In a very short time I had gone from being single with no real life plan (and, honestly, a dislike of children) to being a soon-to-be mother of four. I never expected my life to look like that. As the saying goes, I told God my plans and He laughed at me. I now had a choice to make. I could continue going to college, get my PhD, and get a well-paying career. This choice would also mean that my whole day would be devoted to schooling and my family would be ignored or get only the tired, stressed version of me. The other choice was to drop out of school and devote myself to my family wholly. To become a ::gasp:: stay at home mom. The very notion would have made me nauseated just a year prior. Now I saw two paths before me, and I sought God on His will. I called, He answered, and in obedience I dropped out of college. Unexpectedly, I felt excited and joyful. In my all-or-nothing personality type I decided I was going to be the best stay at home mom I could be. I then proceeded to become obsessed with cleaning (especially after we bought our first house while I was pregnant with number four). My children were still not getting the best of me, and my husband was mostly left alone to fend for himself. Not a very good stay at home mom attitude. God, always faithful and present, saw my weakness and led me to a short term series of mothers classes at our church called Nest. To sum my Nest experience up, I realized that I was failing in almost every category of a Proverbs 31 woman. I decided to, again, become the best stay at home mom I could be. I had high ambitions and even a half thought out game plan. It lasted for about 2 weeks, and I started focusing on cleaning again. What can I say, it was the easiest task to manage. The dishes don't talk back. At about 31 weeks pregnant I saw my failure and told God that this time I was going to do it right. I would seek His will daily, stop ignoring my kids so I could browse Facebook and read novels, and I would get my act together before Hannah was born. Well, Hannah came a week later, 8 weeks early. No more excuses, no more procrastinating. I could almost hear God telling me to stop talking about what I was going to do and to start doing it. I am finally accepting the challenge to become a super-mommy and a true Proverbs 31 woman. My family deserves the best and I want to do right by them and by God. There is no one in my life that I can really model myself after because I don't know many stay at home moms. Thankfully, the internet is full of amazing stay at home mom blogs and ideas on how to make your family function smoothly. I already have a million ideas of what I'd like to do, but being rational, I think starting slowly is the key to success this time around. This blog is partly to hold me accountable in my aspirations, partly to record what I foresee to be a series of interesting adventures, and also to help any other prospective super-moms out there who are looking for ideas just like me. I plan on posting every success and failure in a spirit of honesty. I am flawed but made perfect in Jesus, and He thankfully forgives our sins and failures.

Also, if anyone has any advice or tips on getting closer to being a super-mom, feel free to comment and tell me. I'm open to suggestions! Honestly, I need all the help I can get.

Below: Hannah and I in her "room" at the NICU